Saturday, April 7, 2012

Post 6

Ahhh! Easter Saturday...

Well, my feelings about this day haven't changed much since last year's post...

... this is where true faith dwells... in the space between...

This is part of Richard Rohr's meditation for today which arrived in my email box...

Jesus trusted enough to outstare the darkness, to outstare the void, to hold out for the resurrection of the forever-awaited  'third day,' and not to try to manufacture  His  own. That is how God stretches and expands the soul, and makes it big enough to include God.

You see, to love fully is to die! (When you fully unite with the other, the separate self is gone.) What is handed over to God is always returned to  us transformed into Christ Consciousness. Easter is the eternal third day that we forever await, but today we are content to live in the belly of the whale, in liminal space, in the 'in  between' that is most of human life. God is creating a Big Space inside of you. Just wait!

Part of me is frustrated that my situation - both physically and emotionally - hasn't changed much since last Easter Saturday, but even as I write this I realize that isn't quite true...

Things have slowly been stirring... I have been returning to Jesus' story again and again, thanks to the wise writings of Brother Richard...

And as I approach the fifth anniversary of the stroke (on 9 May), I am indeed frustrated that I am still unable to do so many things, but I have to accept that 5 years to expand a human soul is truly not that long...

... not compared with eternity...



Friday, March 9, 2012

Post 5

These are my answers/responses to the introductory lesson of the Your Truest Self Course which started this week...


Lesson 1

1.The epigraph in the beginning of Your Truest Self reads:

On foot I had to walk through the solar systems,
before I found the first thread of my red dress. (Edith Sodergran)

Does this quote resonate with you? Do you feel you have been ‘searching’ for a long time?
What is it that you have been searching for?

I confess, I did respond to this quote, but not as a sign of longing, but to ask – Why a red dress? I want to see the line in context… so I’ve ordered a book of Edith’s poems… And I’ve enjoyed reading about this unknown-to-me poet on Google J

The image of a red dress indeed resonates with me… I used to own a silk, red dress which I felt a million dollars in! It was my ‘date’ dress when I was at college, and I have wonderful memories of wonderful dinners, and conversations with wonderfully interesting people in that dress… I know I shone in that dress – as only a girl in her late teens/early 20s can shine… That image, of a shining young woman in a red dress, encapsulates all I miss about my Oxford days… they were THE best days of my life, and they were 30 years ago *sigh*

2.Do you have a ‘holy longing’? What does that longing feel like?

I do have a ‘holy longing’… it is to know, and be known… to be in the presence of ‘my’ God (whoever he/she/it is!)… to be in the presence of others who deeply know me, and do not judge me… it is to feel safe, and understood… to be all of who I am, rather than just the pieces that people expect me to be… to be wholly me…

3.When you think of the word, ‘holy,’ what do you think of? Are there certain ‘holy people’ that you admire? What about them set them apart from others?

I think of the Christian mystics – Julian of Norwich, Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross – people who believed passionately, though the Church didn’t really understand them.

I also think of artists – as ‘Religion and art spring from the same root and are close kin’ (Nathanial Hawthorne) – as those who live authentically, who embody their vision of the world, who speak/paint/draw/write/act/sing their truth regardless of money/status/the world’s expectations…

4. Do you often feel like you are not ‘spiritual enough’? Do you compare your spiritual journey or growth to those of others?

Funnily enough, no, as I am quite convinced each spiritual journey is unique, and beyond comparison. However, I do envy those who have discovered their life purpose, and have the drive/energy/impetus to pursue it. At the grand age of almost 48, I am still searching for my purpose, which I find pathetic!

5. Do you struggle with issues of self-worth like many women? Of self-acceptance? In what ways does this play out in your life?

See the answer above! Clearly, I do L

I look at my self, my life, and think, ‘How did I get here?’ The only part that fits, and is true to ‘me’ as I see myself, is I am married to a lovely, lovely man, and we have two gorgeous children. The ‘rest’ is just evidence that I am a frustrated academic/writer/poet/painter… and I simply do not know what to do/be/say/feel next… *sigh*

6.Do you believe that every woman is a holy woman? Do you believe that you are?

I certainly think every woman – and man – has the potential to be holy. To be ‘wholly’ the person they were created to be. To live in accordance with their true self and their true values. To be fully integrated – body, soul, mind, spirit… This is what I think Jesus was, and the people are that I see living and expressing their true selves.

7. What is your response to the quote by Abraham Joshua Heschel on page xxiii: ‘Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy’?

I think the first part is certainly true – just to be alive, and relatively healthy, is indeed a blessing. I think any, who have come close to death, will know this… to see, hear, touch, taste, smell, to move, to have your faculties, is truly a blessing, something to be thankful for each and every day, something to not take for granted…

Yet, just to be alive doesn’t make you holy. Your decisions/choices/motivations/intentions have the potential to be holy, just as they have the potential to be unholy. And, as a conscious, human being, you have the freedom to choose, in any given moment, to be holy or unholy… To act in accordance with your deep, inner values, or not…


8. Reflect on the quote by Hildegard of Bingen on page xxiv: ‘At birth our divine potential is folded up in us like a tent. It is life’s purpose to unfold that tent.’ How do you feel about the notion of ‘unfolding your tent’?

I have read a lot about Hildegard, and have a CD of her chants, yet I’ve never heard of this quote before. I love it, and it resonates with me J I immediately thought of erecting a tent where the Divine could dwell, a tabernacle, a holy place…

The image just keeps giving… the tent pegs are my deep inner values, and I need to find a firm place to plant them and secure my tent… And the tent, the canopy, my concept of ‘I/me’ unfolds and enlarges to embrace the people/beings/creatures I wish to invite in, to sit, talk and sup with me…

And, ultimately, it is a temporary structure… I/me will only be in this form, in this world, in this time for a limited expanse… and it’s up to me to unpack my tent, live my life, and be ready to up sticks when the time comes…








Thursday, February 16, 2012

Post 4

I have been pondering for a couple of weeks now, my name for the Divine...

The first truth of Jan Lundy's Your Truest Self is 'I am free to live a spiritual life of my own making', and the reflection questions at the end of the chapter include 'Have you consciously named the Divine One, especially in light of your emerging self?' and 'what qualities does he/she/it have?'

Much has been swirling around in my centre, especially since I drew this last Sunday...



... as I try to formulate, and name, what I am feeling...

Then last night, before sleep came, names, words, memories, meanings arrived...

mama
Mary - mother of Jesus
nurturing
soothing
caring
gentle
thoughtful
calm
Mary Magdalene
loving
giving
feeling deeply, honestly, passionately

My childhood was not idyllic. My mother was mentally ill, harsh, demanding, manipulative... My father was gentle, but too meek, and didn't/couldn't stand up to her.
My paternal grandmother was mean-spirited, critical and shrill...
My paternal grandfather was gentle, kind, nurturing, encouraging - my childhood saviour - but died when I was 13.
My female primary school teachers were strict, demanding, harsh (except one, whom I adored, but I had only two terms with her, as I as moved up a class...) The headmaster was gentle, old, encouraging, but distant...
At secondary school, most of my teachers were men, both young and old - encouraging, gentle, kind - but the women who taught me were harsh, demanding - except one (the Religious Studies department head), whom I loved and who gave me extra tuition, which was vital to me getting into Oxford to study Theology...
And at Oxford, all my tutors were men of varying ages who were demanding, but fair; tough, but inspiring; exacting, but also encouraging...

And it came to me - throughout my childhood, I found care, and nurture, and kindness, in the men, I encountered, but very little in the women...

I rectified this, by nurturing female friendships as I grew up - a number of which I still enjoy today - but clearly a deep, deep need was unfulfilled...

I became a Christian at college, and for 20 years was a committed, and active, Anglican - I even considered training for the ministry! - but over the years I found the Church's judgemental attitude to gays and women (the fact the General Synod is still discussing female bishops, while the western world is in financial meltdown, just beggars belief!!!!), unbearable - and I finally left...

And now, I am asking myself questions about the nature of the Divine as I endeavour to live a spirituality of my own making - questions not pre- or proscribed by an established Church, as they were in my 20s and 30s...

And I am finding a need to connect to a nurturing, caring, mothering Being... a Being with a loving, female face... who engenders, and inspires, with gentle encouragement, a desire to be the best person I can be...

And I've now realized why I surround myself with artworks of female faces... not because I am a closet lesbian as a dear friend feared :) - but because I want to be looked after and watched over....

These are but a small sample of the faces I see every day...








I still don't have a name for the Dvine, but I certainly know what she looks like...

I am sharing this with Jade and the others over at The Bigger Picture...

And here's the link back to my regular blog...