Post 6

Ahhh! Easter Saturday...

Well, my feelings about this day haven't changed much since last year's post...

... this is where true faith dwells... in the space between...

This is part of Richard Rohr's meditation for today which arrived in my email box...

Jesus trusted enough to outstare the darkness, to outstare the void, to hold out for the resurrection of the forever-awaited  'third day,' and not to try to manufacture  His  own. That is how God stretches and expands the soul, and makes it big enough to include God.

You see, to love fully is to die! (When you fully unite with the other, the separate self is gone.) What is handed over to God is always returned to  us transformed into Christ Consciousness. Easter is the eternal third day that we forever await, but today we are content to live in the belly of the whale, in liminal space, in the 'in  between' that is most of human life. God is creating a Big Space inside of you. Just wait!

Part of me is frustrated that my situation - both physically and emotionally - hasn't changed much since last Easter Saturday, but even as I write this I realize that isn't quite true...

Things have slowly been stirring... I have been returning to Jesus' story again and again, thanks to the wise writings of Brother Richard...

And as I approach the fifth anniversary of the stroke (on 9 May), I am indeed frustrated that I am still unable to do so many things, but I have to accept that 5 years to expand a human soul is truly not that long...

... not compared with eternity...

Post 5

These are my answers/responses to the introductory lesson of the Your Truest Self Course which started this week...

Lesson 1

1.The epigraph in the beginning of Your Truest Self reads:

On foot I had to walk through the solar systems,
before I found the first thread of my red dress. (Edith Sodergran)

Does this quote resonate with you? Do you feel you have been ‘searching’ for a long time?
What is it that you have been searching for?

I confess, I did respond to this quote, but not as a sign of longing, but to ask – Why a red dress? I want to see the line in context… so I’ve ordered a book of Edith’s poems… And I’ve enjoyed reading about this unknown-to-me poet on Google J

The image of a red dress indeed resonates with me… I used to own a silk, red dress which I felt a million dollars in! It was my ‘date’ dress when I was at college, and I have wonderful memories of wonderful dinners, and conversations with wonderfully interesting people in that dress… I know I shone in that dress – as only a girl in her late teens/early 20s can shine… That image, of a shining young woman in a red dress, encapsulates all I miss about my Oxford days… they were THE best days of my life, and they were 30 years ago *sigh*

2.Do you have a ‘holy longing’? What does that longing feel like?

I do have a ‘holy longing’… it is to know, and be known… to be in the presence of ‘my’ God (whoever he/she/it is!)… to be in the presence of others who deeply know me, and do not judge me… it is to feel safe, and understood… to be all of who I am, rather than just the pieces that people expect me to be… to be wholly me…

3.When you think of the word, ‘holy,’ what do you think of? Are there certain ‘holy people’ that you admire? What about them set them apart from others?

I think of the Christian mystics – Julian of Norwich, Theresa of Avila, John of the Cross – people who believed passionately, though the Church didn’t really understand them.

I also think of artists – as ‘Religion and art spring from the same root and are close kin’ (Nathanial Hawthorne) – as those who live authentically, who embody their vision of the world, who speak/paint/draw/write/act/sing their truth regardless of money/status/the world’s expectations…

4. Do you often feel like you are not ‘spiritual enough’? Do you compare your spiritual journey or growth to those of others?

Funnily enough, no, as I am quite convinced each spiritual journey is unique, and beyond comparison. However, I do envy those who have discovered their life purpose, and have the drive/energy/impetus to pursue it. At the grand age of almost 48, I am still searching for my purpose, which I find pathetic!

5. Do you struggle with issues of self-worth like many women? Of self-acceptance? In what ways does this play out in your life?

See the answer above! Clearly, I do L

I look at my self, my life, and think, ‘How did I get here?’ The only part that fits, and is true to ‘me’ as I see myself, is I am married to a lovely, lovely man, and we have two gorgeous children. The ‘rest’ is just evidence that I am a frustrated academic/writer/poet/painter… and I simply do not know what to do/be/say/feel next… *sigh*

6.Do you believe that every woman is a holy woman? Do you believe that you are?

I certainly think every woman – and man – has the potential to be holy. To be ‘wholly’ the person they were created to be. To live in accordance with their true self and their true values. To be fully integrated – body, soul, mind, spirit… This is what I think Jesus was, and the people are that I see living and expressing their true selves.

7. What is your response to the quote by Abraham Joshua Heschel on page xxiii: ‘Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy’?

I think the first part is certainly true – just to be alive, and relatively healthy, is indeed a blessing. I think any, who have come close to death, will know this… to see, hear, touch, taste, smell, to move, to have your faculties, is truly a blessing, something to be thankful for each and every day, something to not take for granted…

Yet, just to be alive doesn’t make you holy. Your decisions/choices/motivations/intentions have the potential to be holy, just as they have the potential to be unholy. And, as a conscious, human being, you have the freedom to choose, in any given moment, to be holy or unholy… To act in accordance with your deep, inner values, or not…

8. Reflect on the quote by Hildegard of Bingen on page xxiv: ‘At birth our divine potential is folded up in us like a tent. It is life’s purpose to unfold that tent.’ How do you feel about the notion of ‘unfolding your tent’?

I have read a lot about Hildegard, and have a CD of her chants, yet I’ve never heard of this quote before. I love it, and it resonates with me J I immediately thought of erecting a tent where the Divine could dwell, a tabernacle, a holy place…

The image just keeps giving… the tent pegs are my deep inner values, and I need to find a firm place to plant them and secure my tent… And the tent, the canopy, my concept of ‘I/me’ unfolds and enlarges to embrace the people/beings/creatures I wish to invite in, to sit, talk and sup with me…

And, ultimately, it is a temporary structure… I/me will only be in this form, in this world, in this time for a limited expanse… and it’s up to me to unpack my tent, live my life, and be ready to up sticks when the time comes…

Post 4

I have been pondering for a couple of weeks now, my name for the Divine...

The first truth of Jan Lundy's Your Truest Self is 'I am free to live a spiritual life of my own making', and the reflection questions at the end of the chapter include 'Have you consciously named the Divine One, especially in light of your emerging self?' and 'what qualities does he/she/it have?'

Much has been swirling around in my centre, especially since I drew this last Sunday...

... as I try to formulate, and name, what I am feeling...

Then last night, before sleep came, names, words, memories, meanings arrived...

mama
Mary - mother of Jesus
nurturing
soothing
caring
gentle
thoughtful
calm
Mary Magdalene
loving
giving
feeling deeply, honestly, passionately

My childhood was not idyllic. My mother was mentally ill, harsh, demanding, manipulative... My father was gentle, but too meek, and didn't/couldn't stand up to her.
My paternal grandmother was mean-spirited, critical and shrill...
My paternal grandfather was gentle, kind, nurturing, encouraging - my childhood saviour - but died when I was 13.
My female primary school teachers were strict, demanding, harsh (except one, whom I adored, but I had only two terms with her, as I as moved up a class...) The headmaster was gentle, old, encouraging, but distant...
At secondary school, most of my teachers were men, both young and old - encouraging, gentle, kind - but the women who taught me were harsh, demanding - except one (the Religious Studies department head), whom I loved and who gave me extra tuition, which was vital to me getting into Oxford to study Theology...
And at Oxford, all my tutors were men of varying ages who were demanding, but fair; tough, but inspiring; exacting, but also encouraging...

And it came to me - throughout my childhood, I found care, and nurture, and kindness, in the men, I encountered, but very little in the women...

I rectified this, by nurturing female friendships as I grew up - a number of which I still enjoy today - but clearly a deep, deep need was unfulfilled...

I became a Christian at college, and for 20 years was a committed, and active, Anglican - I even considered training for the ministry! - but over the years I found the Church's judgemental attitude to gays and women (the fact the General Synod is still discussing female bishops, while the western world is in financial meltdown, just beggars belief!!!!), unbearable - and I finally left...

And now, I am asking myself questions about the nature of the Divine as I endeavour to live a spirituality of my own making - questions not pre- or proscribed by an established Church, as they were in my 20s and 30s...

And I am finding a need to connect to a nurturing, caring, mothering Being... a Being with a loving, female face... who engenders, and inspires, with gentle encouragement, a desire to be the best person I can be...

And I've now realized why I surround myself with artworks of female faces... not because I am a closet lesbian as a dear friend feared :) - but because I want to be looked after and watched over....

These are but a small sample of the faces I see every day...

I still don't have a name for the Dvine, but I certainly know what she looks like...

I am sharing this with Jade and the others over at The Bigger Picture...

And here's the link back to my regular blog...

Post 3

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you as few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice so tender,
My need of God
Absolutely clear.
~ Hafiz

I found this poem over at The Abbey of the Arts where Christine's pondering The Space Between on Holy Saturday.

I confess I've always felt more comfortable with the atmosphere of Holy Saturday. Always troubled by the mental logistics (not the mention the suspension of disbelief) required for the Christian doctrine of the atonement (how could any father - divine or otherwise - put his son through crucifixion???), and equally troubled by the easy triumphalism of Easter Sunday, my God is always the Comforter, the Companion, yes, the Jesus on the road to Emmaus...

The essence of belief is hope, and it's not necessary the thing with feathers, as much as the trust that in the darkest night that there will be a dawn... Every day is a journey from darkness to light into darkness to light... This is the most basic rhythm of our human existence.

In the darkness is where we find our deepest fears - the most primal sense of 'What if the sun died in the night? What if daylight never again breaks?' - the fear that all I hold most dear is indeed lost... As Meister Eckhart realized, we all live under the umbra nihili, the shadow of nothingness, and as the clinically depressed know too well, it can be a crushing, heavy shadow...

Yet, it is holding, and owning, those fears, sitting with them, that eventually faith and hope are born...

We have to go deeper into that emptiness,

then we will find beneath nothingness

the flame of love waiting to warm us.

John O'Donohue, Anam Cara, p. 33

And it's the nature of that love that shapes us...

as children it's the love of our parents - or lack of it - that gives us hope - or despair... 
as we grow up, it's the love of friends - or lack of it - that gives us meaning - or emptiness...
as adults it's the love of lovers/partners - or lack of it - that gives us stability - or fickleness...
and throughout our lives it's the love of self - or lack of it - that puts us in touch with the Other, be it human or divine - or leaves us doubting there is any such thing as love...

Love allows understanding to dawn,
and understanding is precious.

Where you are understood, you are at home.

John O'Donohue, Anam Cara, p. 36

Post 2

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

~ David Whyte ~

(House of Belonging)

Post 1

I guess it's about time a trained theologian and former Anglican Reader attempted to put into words what she thinks 'GOD' means...

Why it's this day rather than any other, I have no idea...

All I know is, coming across this quote by Meister Eckhart today, prompted a response, a calling, a yearning to try and articulate what I think, feel, experience each day...

I am a spiritual person, and I have always been what is often called 'a sensitive child'. I feel things deeply, and often acutely, and always have. I jump at loud noises, I am aware of people's moods when I enter a room, and yes, I cry easily - whether in joy or sadness - at images, at music, at books...

This dimension of my person has expanded since suffering a serious stroke almost 4 years ago, when I was barely 43, and I'm aware I haven't processed this expansion - I've been simply experiencing it...

And I'm thinking this blog will be the place to unpack it, to unwrap each element, each concept, each thought, each experience, and hold it up to the light... not to critique it, and certainly not to belittle or judge it, but rather to examine it closely, minutely, to name it maybe, and certainly to own it...

So today, rather than any other day, I, Claire, am taking leave of God, and tentatively moving towards GOD...